Many people carry the painful belief: “I’m not good enough.”
It’s one of the most common struggles I see in my counselling room, and it has a deep impact on self-esteem, relationships, and overall well-being.
But here’s the truth: this feeling didn’t appear from nowhere. It has roots. And when we understand those roots, we can begin to loosen their hold.
Where Does “Not Good Enough” Come From?
Early Experiences
Childhood criticism, neglect, or invalidation can leave a child feeling unloved or unworthy. These messages often become internalised and carried into adulthood, shaping how we see ourselves.
Experiences of bullying, abuse, or loss can shatter self-worth. Trauma often leaves behind shame, guilt, or self-blame that makes us believe we are flawed at the core.
Being compared—or comparing ourselves—to siblings, classmates, colleagues, or the curated perfection on social media can fuel feelings of inadequacy. The more we measure ourselves against others, the smaller we tend to feel.
Perfectionists link their worth to achievement. Anything short of flawless feels like failure. This relentless pressure feeds the belief that they are never quite enough.
Internal messages such as “I’ll never measure up” or “I’m a failure” keep us trapped in a cycle of inadequacy. Over time, these words become beliefs.
Inner Child Work: Getting to the Root
The sense of not being good enough is often anchored in unprocessed memories from childhood. Your amygdala, the brain’s alarm system, is designed to protect you by storing strong emotional experiences forever. The memory is linked to heightened sensory impressions—what you saw, heard, smelt, or felt in that moment.
This is a brilliant survival system, but it has a drawback: it doesn’t recognise the passage of time. Even as an adult, your body may still react as though you are unsafe.
You might notice the belief surfacing in current relationships or situations—but its origin is usually much older.
Holding yourself to impossible standards—or trying to please everyone—creates a constant sense of failure. Compassionate, realistic expectations are essential for change
Inner child work helps us go back to the root of the wound. Instead of putting a plaster on it, we revisit the scene, reframe it, and offer the younger self a new perspective. This helps release the trigger so that you no longer carry the same emotional weight.
The truth is: the younger you created this belief as protection. As an infant, choice was limited, and adopting a shield of “I’m not good enough” may have felt safer than risking deeper hurt. But as adults, this shield can hold us back—from intimacy, from connection, and from the fulfilling lives we long for.
A New Choice
I often use the image of a funnel when explaining this process. Imagine the narrow part of the funnel as your old, constricted belief. Over time, the funnel can widen, giving you more space, perspective, and freedom.
When you recognise that the belief of not being good enough was a survival decision made by a younger you, you also realise you can make a new choice. A choice to empower yourself. A choice to seek support, to heal, and to live differently.
You were never “not good enough.” That belief belonged to a child who needed protection. Today, you have the power to change the story—to see yourself with compassion, to let go of what no longer serves you, and to embrace the life you deserve.
Are you ready to talk?
I offer a low-cost confidential service. I offer space to speak, find your voice, be really heard and validated. I am a trained professional counsellor who specialises in anxiety and trauma. Make an appointment to meet me and tell me what you want from counselling. See if you feel comfortable. The first session is over Zoom for both of our safety and then you can do sessions over Zoom from your own home or in person in mine, in my safe, comfortable therapy room.
Book your appointment today
Click here and book a free initial consultation with me today. Read what people are saying about working with me in counselling here. I hold a private, confidential space for you. I’m looking forward to meeting you and hearing you very soon. Best wishes, Karen.
Disclaimer: I write from my experiences and from my client work in counselling and have no scientific training whatsoever. I am a person centred counsellor specialising in anxiety and trauma within the context of counselling. My work is dependent on the therapeutic relationship and the meeting of two minds. It is a humbling experience and that is all part of the healing process that I witness every day. It is the best job in the world.
