Perfectionism is something many of us know well. It often hides behind phrases like “I just like things done properly” or “I don’t want to get it wrong.” But underneath, perfectionism is rarely about high standards alone—it’s usually about the deeper story we tell ourselves about worth, acceptance, and safety.

Let’s take a look at where perfectionism can come from, and why it sometimes takes such a strong hold on us.

Personality Traits

Some people are naturally more conscientious, more detail-focused, more self-critical. On the surface, these traits can look like strengths—and often they are. But when they tip into perfectionism, they can trap us in a cycle of striving. Perfectionists often set impossibly high standards, expecting nothing less than flawlessness from themselves. That pressure creates a constant fear of failure, alongside a hunger for reassurance or approval.

Environmental Influences

Our surroundings matter. If you grew up in a family, culture, or society where achievement was praised above all else, you might have absorbed the belief that anything less than perfect was unacceptable. When success is tied to approval—or love—perfectionism can quietly plant its roots.

Early Experiences

Childhood plays a huge role. When love or attention feels conditional—given only when you’ve “done well”—it’s easy to link self-worth with performance. Some of us were praised only when we achieved, or criticised when we fell short. Over time, we learn that imperfection feels unsafe, so we strive endlessly to avoid it.

Coping Mechanisms

At its heart, perfectionism is often a coping mechanism. It’s a way of managing feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, or even anxiety. If we can just get everything right, we think, we won’t have to face rejection or criticism. We’ll stay in control. But instead of bringing peace, this cycle usually creates more stress, more burnout, and more distance from true contentment.Perfectionism serves as a coping mechanism for managing underlying feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, or anxiety. By striving for perfection, individuals may attempt to gain a sense of control, avoid criticism or rejection, and protect themselves from feelings of vulnerability. However, this coping strategy can be counterproductive, as the relentless pursuit of perfection often leads to increased stress, burnout, and diminished well-being.

Cognitive Factors

Perfectionism often shows up in the way we think. Black-and-white thinking tells us something is either perfect or a total failure. Catastrophising convinces us that one mistake will ruin everything. These distorted patterns keep us stuck, fuelling dissatisfaction no matter how much we achieve.

Perfectionism may feel like it protects us, but in reality it robs us of ease, joy, and self-acceptance. The truth is: being human means being imperfect. Our worth was never meant to be measured by flawless performance—it was always here, quietly waiting for us to notice.

How counselling will help

I will hold a safe space for you to explore your feelings about how unsafe it feels to get something wrong and how small and insignificant you become for safety. That may take you back to a time when strict parenting was everywhere and so it felt like no one cared about your feelings. In the home with pressure and stress to perform or be invisible was the only thing you knew. There was nowhere for you to be you. Well in counselling you get to be validated, heard, fully understood and you can not get this wrong because you are the client and for once, it is all about you.

Are you ready to talk?

I offer a low-cost confidential service. I offer space to speak, find your voice, be really heard and validated. I am a trained professional counsellor who specialises in anxiety and trauma. Make an appointment to meet me and tell me what you want from counselling. See if you feel comfortable. The first session is over Zoom for both of our safety and then you can do sessions over Zoom from your own home or in person in mine, in my safe, comfortable therapy room.

Book your appointment today

Click here and book a free initial consultation with me today. Read what people are saying about working with me in counselling here. I hold a private, confidential space for you. I’m looking forward to meeting you and hearing you very soon. Best wishes, Karen.

Disclaimer: I am a UK qualified person centred counsellor specialising in anxiety and trauma within the context of counselling.  I write from my experiences and from my client work in counselling. My work is dependent on the therapeutic relationship and the meeting of two minds. It is a humbling experience and that is all part of the healing process that I witness every day. It is the best job in the world. This is not an emergency service. If you need to speak to someone urgently outside of my sessions, please call the Samaritans on 116 123 (24/7 confidential helpline in the UK).