(5 minutes read time)

The saying “resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die” is often attributed to Nelson Mandela, but its origins are more complex and can be traced back to earlier sources

Resentment is a form of anger—but it’s deeply personal. It emerges when someone has violated your boundaries, harmed you emotionally or physically, and left you feeling unsafe. In these moments, the person responsible becomes the perpetrator. And when that pain is not acknowledged, repaired, or validated, resentment takes root.

Resentment is essentially anger held over time. Buddha described it poignantly:

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

Buddhist teachings liken the mind to a clear sky, with emotions like anger as passing clouds. But when the clouds stay too long, they block out our peace and clarity.

Is Letting Go of Resentment the Same as Forgiveness?

Forgiveness is often misunderstood—especially when viewed through religious or cultural lenses. In Christianity, for example, Jesus, during his crucifixion, said:

“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” — Luke 23:34

This level of forgiveness—offered in the face of cruelty and injustice—can feel nearly impossible for many survivors of trauma, especially when the perpetrator has shown no remorse. In fact, they may not care at all. They may hurt others again. They may have enjoyed the harm they caused.

Many people I work with struggle with the concept of forgiveness. It often feels like it’s about letting the perpetrator off the hook, rather than healing the person who was harmed. It can feel like another injustice—another moment when the victim’s experience is dismissed or minimised.

This article isn’t about forgiving the perpetrator. It’s about exploring the emotional and psychological weight of resentment, and how holding onto it affects you—not them. Letting go of resentment is not about condoning or excusing abuse. Nor does it place any responsibility for the perpetrator’s actions onto the victim.

Is Holding Onto Resentment Self-Righteous or Narcissistic?

Not at all.

Resentment is a natural, human response to being hurt—especially when that hurt was ignored, dismissed, or denied. It doesn’t make you narcissistic or self-righteous. But it can become problematic when it begins to consume you, disrupt your peace, damage your health, or affect your relationships.

Some people describe resentment like a dog licking its wounds—never letting them dry, never allowing healing. When left unresolved, resentment can become chronic. But that doesn’t mean you’re grandiose or emotionally immature. You’re wounded. And wounds need care, not judgment.

Only if resentment becomes part of a broader, inflexible pattern—like constant blame, lack of empathy, or entitlement—might it point to narcissistic traits. But resentment alone? It’s a trauma response, not a diagnosis.

Resentment as a Trauma Response

Many clients have told me:

“Holding on to resentment feels like the last thread of proof that what happened to me mattered.”

That is the voice of trauma.

The amygdala, the brain’s threat detection centre, clings tightly to traumatic memories to try to keep you safe in the future. It remembers pain, especially pain that went unacknowledged. Resentment, then, becomes a shield. A protest. A way of saying, “This was wrong, and I won’t let it be forgotten.”

But at what cost?

Clients often express that once they let go of resentment, it feels like they’re saying the harm didn’t matter—or that no one ever will be held accountable. That letting go means giving up the fight for justice, and with that, the last remaining connection to their own worth.

This is profoundly painful. And also profoundly common.

Does Letting Go Mean They Were Right and You Were Wrong?

Absolutely not.

You don’t need resentment to prove you were harmed. The truth of what happened exists with or without your ongoing pain. Whether others acknowledge it or not, abuse is abuse. Neglect is neglect. And those responsible are perpetrators—whether they’re ever held accountable or not.

Resentment may feel like a tether to the truth. But that tether can also keep you tied to your trauma. Your healing doesn’t mean the perpetrator was right—it means you’re choosing to stop carrying their wrong inside your body.

Reasons to Let Go of Resentment (For You, Not for Them)

The ancient teacher Patanjali wrote:

“When you are steadfast in your abstention of thoughts of harm directed toward yourself and others, all living creatures will cease to feel fear in your presence.”

This indicates you seek refuge in isolation.

Wayne Dyer referenced this quote often, highlighting the difficult truth:

There are no justified resentments.

That doesn’t mean your pain isn’t justified. It means your freedom is worth more than the bitterness.

In counselling, I help clients identify and acknowledge resentment—without judgment. We work gently to understand it, honor where it came from, and explore what life could look like without carrying that weight.

Letting Go in an Unjust World

Let’s be very clear:
Bad things happen to good people.
Many perpetrators walk free.
Our justice systems are flawed and often retraumatise victims.
Society still struggles to believe and support survivors.

This means that countless people are walking around with a deep sense of injustice. The tragedy is, the longer this injustice is left unspoken, the more it hurts the person who was already harmed. Abuse that is hidden, denied, or minimised only protects the abuser—and isolates the victim.

This is why speaking out matters. It breaks the cycle. It challenges stigma. It brings light to what has long been kept in the dark.

Please don’t hesitate to report abuse or to seek support. You might not just be saving your own life—you could be saving someone else’s too.
If you’d like to learn more about the different forms of abuse, click here.

How counselling can help

Together we can work out what that resentment is. I will provide a safe space to allow you to feel. There are a few ways that resentment may be causing you problems in your life, causing you to isolate, feel bad, have coping mechanisms that are very harmful such as alcohol or drugs, cutting or hurting others by rejecting them. Counselling is a way forward, to form a therapeutic relationship with me, to help me understand what that is like for you, to have someone alongside you in your every day struggles. You will learn new ways to cope. This will be the start of a new life for you. When you take the first step, you will not look back. But you need to be ready, committed and willing to talk about it.

Are you ready to talk?

I offer a low-cost confidential service. I offer space to speak, find your voice, be really heard and validated. I am a trained professional counsellor who specialises in anxiety and trauma. Make an appointment to meet me and tell me what you want from counselling. See if you feel comfortable. The first session is over Zoom for both of our safety and then you can do sessions over Zoom from your own home or in person in mine, in my safe, comfortable therapy room.

Book your appointment today

Click here and book a free initial consultation with me today. Read what people are saying about working with me in counselling here. I hold a private, confidential space for you. I’m looking forward to meeting you and hearing you very soon. Best wishes, Karen.

Disclaimer: I am a UK qualified person centred counsellor specialising in anxiety and trauma within the context of counselling.  I write from my experiences and from my client work in counselling. My work is dependent on the therapeutic relationship and the meeting of two minds. It is a humbling experience and that is all part of the healing process that I witness every day. It is the best job in the world. This is not an emergency service. If you need to speak to someone urgently outside of my sessions, please call the Samaritans on 116 123 (24/7 confidential helpline in the UK).