This article is about “the shadow” which is from Jungian theory. The concept of the ‘shadow’ in psychology involves recognising and integrating the parts of ourselves that we have repressed or denied. These hidden aspects often stem from childhood experiences, cultural and religious conditioning and societal ‘norms.’ By acknowledging and understanding these parts of us means to feel our feelings and from that we can transform our wounds into wisdom. This is the way I work with clients every day and it has a proven track record. The theory is person centred counselling.
Formation of the Shadow
Family Dynamics: Growing up in environments where expressing emotions was discouraged can lead to repression and often shame.
Religious and Cultural Beliefs: Teachings that label emotions like anger, jealousy and sadness as negative or shameful/sinful contribute to internal conflict, such as these shameful feelings will cast you out of your safe groups, or worse, feeling this will send you to hell.
Societal Norms: Messages such as “big boys don’t cry” or “keep a stiff upper lip” force you to repress feelings, such as if you are a man you are likely to have been taught to hide their true feelings or if you are a woman you are likely to be expected to smile and to be nice and pleasant all the time no matter how you really feel.
From a very young age you may have learned the need to suppress your true personality. So called ‘negative’ emotions: anger, jealousy or sadness are unacceptable so to fit into societal norms and avoid discomfort or rejection these emotions are repressed at all costs (which feels strong enough to be the only way to survive). Often you believe as an infant, seeing the reaction from caregivers and teachers, you must hide that you feel this way at all costs and your belief becomes:
bad things will happen to me if I feel this > I am bad for feeling this > I don’t want to be a bad person so I will not let myself feel this.
The Survival Instinct
Your feelings have a purpose, which is to tell you what you need and predominantly meeting your needs keeps you alive. Working with multiple personae or multiple ego states is part of my work that I will do with you. This is a basic explanation of the fabulous coping mechanisms you might form to survive. Here is your conflict. On one hand, you have to feel to stay alive and on the other you would not dare feel anything classed as negative because you might die if you don’t fit in. In the animal kingdom, survival is to avoid standing out, to avoid being attacked and killed and to be accepted in the pack. If you are alone, you may not survive.
Persona 1: I must fit in > if I am cast out I will die (e.g. you might laugh when sad, be the class clown when you feel scared).
Persona 2: I will deny the part of me that feels like this > if I allow this feeling, I will die (e.g. you feel anxious or depressed but not sure why).
Maintaining the Persona
The effort to maintain this socially acceptable persona can be exhausting. This often manifests as people-pleasing, saying ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no’, and engaging in superficial conversations that feel pointless. You begin to feel miserable and often burn out occurs because your boundaries are not in place and you are doing more than you have the capacity to do; and that you are not validating yourself with not validating your feelings and needs, essential to your health and well being.
I don’t fit in
Do you feel awkward or difficult due to not going along with repressing your feelings. This is because we have an animal instinct to fit in. In a pack, an animal that does not fit in might get attacked or killed for being different. When you feel unsafe or anxious, you might get diagnosed with anxiety and offered medication. This will calm the amygdala in your brain used to identify a threat to life. Counselling helps to understand your conflict, your frustration and more than that, validating your feelings that tell you what you need validates you. Societal ‘norms’ have always been a construct that blocks the traits of an individual.
Evolving Society
Society is gradually evolving towards greater acceptance and understanding of human needs which are recognised by unique expression of your identity. This evolution is dependent on YOU doing the work in counselling to be your authentic self. The world needs you, society needs you to step up and be unequivocally YOU.
Feelings
Imagine that your pain is all caused by your feelings which you deny and you are able to feel them. My clients get a lot of relief from feeling their feelings. We are taught it is not necessary and there is no time for worrying about feeings.
Life used to be hard and we lived in a world of scarcity. We don’t live with that any more, yet we still suffer with anxiety and shame and we get depression and feel isolated, alone with our feelings. These so called negative emotions, your feelings that you deserve to have, need you:
Anxiety: Anxiety/ fear is a natural response to feeling unsafe. If you feel unsafe but you are actually safe in the present moment, it is an unprocessed event or trauma and the situation is triggering your amygdala.
Shame: You believe you should not feel your natural feelings (e.g. jealousy is a classic feeling we are taught not to have) and you feel bad for feeling it. This is not true. You feel because you are human and need to feel all of your feelings to be the authentic YOU.
Sadness: When you try to cope now, do you just feel defeated, exhausted (and possibly suicidal – I must avoid these feelings at all costs). They are your feelings and are all natural. You deserve to feel. It is going to be ok.
Remember: Feelings are temporary. A feeling can not kill
you. You will feel better when it subsides in a moment
or two.
Transforming Wounds into Wisdom
Acceptance and Integration: Acknowledge the parts of yourself that you have hidden and understand that these emotions and experiences are part of being human.
Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, recognising that everyone has a shadow.
Counselling and Support: I will offer you unconditional positive regard, genuineness and empathy, providing the safety to navigate your internal world, be with you when you validate your feelings, turning your wounds into sources of wisdom.
Personal Growth: I will be with you when you embrace your true self, be with you when you have challenges, being the new you in your relationships and navigate your true authentic self and your authentic life.
Overcoming Resistance
Resistance to this process often stems from deep-seated beliefs that acknowledging your true self makes others wrong. This can be challenging, you might fear losing people close to you if you start saying “no” and finding your voice, expressing a controversial opinion, not going with the in-crowd. However, it’s important to realise that life is meant to flow, and holding onto these fears stops you feeling validated in your life, in your close relationships, not only preventing your personal growth, but impacting your mental and physical health. Embracing your shadow and turning your wounds into wisdom is a courageous step towards authenticity. Society is evolving, and you can be part of this movement by accepting all parts of yourself and finding validation in your feelings. Join the movement of self-discovery and acceptance.
Call to action
I hope you enjoyed my article. When you are ready to start your counselling sessions, I am here, waiting for your contact and looking forward to meeting you and hearing you very soon. Best wishes, Karen
Disclaimer: I write from my experiences and from my client work in counselling and have no scientific training whatsoever. I am a person centred counsellor specialising in anxiety and trauma within the context of counselling. My work is dependent on the therapeutic relationship and the meeting of two minds. It is a humbling experience and that is all part of the healing process that I witness every day. It is the best job in the world.