This short article is a snippet from a case study, which I hope to provide insight into common beliefs. What do you believe about yourself that you are taking into your relationships? For this example, it was a man and a woman. Where do your beliefs come from?
Loving yourself first
That old cliche, but that is the most important element of going into a relationship and expecting to be treated with respect, treating your partner with respect and respecting each other’s boundaries.
The union
The famous love story we all want: You come together to complement each other, to be yin to yang, to work in harmony.
A woman needs a man to step up so she feels safe. Then she can allow herself to be vulnerable in the relationship.
A man needs a woman to be a solid supporter so he can go and believe in himself and be proud he’s got her belief in him.
Safety is about security, home and finances, knowing he fights for the relationship, that she can rely on him and he can rely on her.
This is equality. Equality is not about who pays for dinner.
Beliefs
If you are a man and you are told you are like your dad, what did your mother feel about your dad? Did he leave her, was he an alcoholic, was he a gambler or just generally unreliable. She would have felt unsafe in that relationship and feel negative towards him. Therefore, being told you are like him is likely to unconsciously affect your self esteem, believing you are not good enough for your partner.
From this you will go one of two ways, either believing you are no good > a waste of time and space > worthless self sabotage, possibly follow in his footsteps and become an addict or you will spend your whole life proving you are worth something, work extremely hard, build an empire and the worthless belief will not catch up with you until maybe retirement or the neglect of the relationship from working so hard ends in divorce and you stop.
Mothers:
Your daughter is getting her ideas about herself from how you are treated by her dad.
Your son goes into his relationship believing he is a let down, a disappointment, a failure.
If you are a woman you tend to either copy off your mother or do the opposite to her and you go into relationship believing you deserve to be loved or you don’t deserve to be loved.
This belief is dependent on how you were loved (or neglected) in early years relationships, how you saw your mother being treated and how your experiences in early years (what you saw and how your father treated you) shaped your beliefs about yourself, men, marriage and from those beliefs you would decide what you deserve.
Fathers:
Your daughter is getting her ideas about herself from how you treat her mother.
Your son goes into his relationship believing he is a let down, a disappointment, a failure like you appear when you are absent (either physically or emotionally).
The dynamic
If you are a man, you may believe you are a disappointment to your wife as her husband, you may feel resentment towards her and she doesn’t even know why you are giving her the silent treatment or appearing angry and over reacting. She might feel scared and walk on eggshells. You might believe your anger is her fault and want her to be wary of you.
If you are a woman, you may feel neglected again, triggering childhood sadness you felt at home, feeling sad that you are reliving the life your mother lived and be unable or scared to communicate this.
What it looks like
Feelings are not being safely communicated.
She’s stressed, feeling unsafe, snapping at you and your early anger and belief that you are no good is being triggered so you either lash out (verbal and or physical domestic violence) or you sulk, giving the silent treatment, getting revenge by being passive aggressive (coercive bullying, also a form of domestic abuse).
Feeling unsafe
Feeling unsafe can create behaviours like over spending, snapping at your partner, addiction, eating disorders or other forms of self harm like nail biting, hair pulling, cutting and manifest into anxiety related conditions like OCD. Being angry at not getting your needs met can be outbursts or manifest into depression.
Repairing the damage: talk about feelings
Have an honest conversation about your own feelings of anger, hurt and disappointment and listen one at a time about each other’s feelings.
They are triggers from what you already believe about yourself and you’ve created dynamics from those beliefs, beliefs up to now, you believed to be true, but they’re not true. It is not about the two of you.
Talking about your feelings brings you closer and more supportive of each other so you’re more of a team.
If you are both from divorced or single parents, you can make your relationship work with this insight and by being wiser.
Remember: Relationship is never done. It takes effort and takes two.
Call to action
I will work with you, helping you get to the root cause of your beliefs that you have gone into relationship with and you can work with changing those unhealthy beliefs that are causing you a problem in your dynamic. I look forward to meeting you and working with you soon. You can access my contact form here.
Disclaimer: I write from my experiences and from my client work in counselling and have no scientific training whatsoever. I am a person centred counsellor specialising in anxiety and trauma within the context of counselling. My work is dependent on the therapeutic relationship and the meeting of two minds. It is a humbling experience and that is all part of the healing process that I witness every day. It is the best job in the world.