These days, the old ways of doing relationships just don’t work like they used to. Traditional marriage roles—where one person provides and the other keeps things running at home—don’t fit with how life and love work now. People want more than just a partner who ticks boxes; they want connection, support, and emotional safety. As society changes, we’re starting to realise that a lot of the ways we learned to love were based on survival, not happiness. If your relationship feels stuck or unbalanced, it might be time to look a little deeper at what’s really going on underneath. Listen here.
What drew you to your partner?
Most people don’t realise that the pull toward a romantic partner is rarely random. Often, it’s rooted in the unconscious emotional needs we formed in childhood. If you grew up with a parent who was emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, or absent, you may have internalised a sense of being unworthy, invisible, or not quite good enough. Without realising it, these early experiences shape who we’re drawn to and how we relate in adult relationships.
The love you crave (or used to crave)
To cope with emotional pain, especially as children, we develop survival strategies—versions of ourselves that help us feel safe. These versions form our ego: the “strong one,” the “people pleaser,” the “achiever,” or even the “fixer.” These identities protect us from feeling vulnerable or rejected. But later in life, they can pull us toward people who unconsciously reflect the very dynamics we once endured. You may be drawn to someone who feels familiar—not necessarily because they’re good for you, but because they echo old wounds your inner child still hopes to heal.
Are you always on high alert?
If you find yourself constantly on edge in your relationship—overthinking, walking on eggshells, or trying to prove your worth—it could be a sign that your nervous system is reacting to past trauma, not just current issues. This heightened state of alert is often linked to early emotional neglect or instability. It’s your inner child still trying to find safety, love, and acceptance, often by trying to earn it from someone who can’t fully give it.
If you grew up in a home where there was domestic violence, you might have learned early on to keep the peace, stay quiet, or take on too much responsibility just to survive. As a child, you may have felt like it was your job to hold everything together—keeping others calm, managing emotions, or fixing things that weren’t your fault. Without realising it, you might now be doing the same thing in your adult relationships. That coping pattern helped you survive back then, but now it can leave you feeling exhausted, unseen, or stuck in one-sided relationships. You may not even realise you feel unsafe if that is all you have ever known. Read about trauma response here.
Projecting Our Pain
In these relationships, it’s easy to project unresolved pain onto your partner. You might hold onto hope that they’ll change or become the version of them you fell in love with—or the one you hope they’ll become. But what you’re really longing for is healing, not just from them, but from your past. Your partner is not necessarily the source of your pain—they’re simply triggering feelings you’ve carried for a long time.
It’s not about shame or blame
When you begin to uncover the unconscious needs that drive your relationship choices, you stop repeating the same painful patterns. You stop trying to earn love through performance or perfection. Instead, you learn how to connect from a place of authenticity, vulnerability, and self-awareness.
From Surviving to Thriving
When you begin to uncover the unconscious needs that drive your relationship choices, you stop repeating the same painful patterns. You stop trying to earn love through performance or perfection. Instead, you learn how to connect from a place of authenticity, vulnerability, and self-awareness.
How can counselling help?
The good news is that these patterns can be understood and shifted. Through counselling, we explore how your early experiences influence your current relationship, and whether the connection you’re in can grow into something more fulfilling. Together, we look at whether the bond is rooted in real love or a survival need—and whether adjustments in communication, boundaries, or emotional support could transform it into a healthier, more joyful union or whether the healthiest option is to end the relationship.
Are you ready to talk?
I offer a low-cost confidential service. I offer space to speak, find your voice, be really heard and validated. I am a trained professional counsellor who specialises in anxiety and trauma. Make an appointment to meet me and tell me what you want from counselling. See if you feel comfortable. The first session is over Zoom for both of our safety and then you can do sessions over Zoom from your own home or in person in mine, in my safe, comfortable therapy room.
Book your appointment today
Click here and book a free initial consultation with me today. Read what people are saying about working with me in counselling here. I hold a private, confidential space for you. I’m looking forward to meeting you and hearing you very soon. Best wishes, Karen.
Disclaimer: I am a UK qualified person centred counsellor specialising in anxiety and trauma within the context of counselling. I write from my experiences and from my client work in counselling. My work is dependent on the therapeutic relationship and the meeting of two minds. It is a humbling experience and that is all part of the healing process that I witness every day. It is the best job in the world. This is not an emergency service. If you need to speak to someone urgently outside of my sessions, please call the Samaritans on 116 123 (24/7 confidential helpline in the UK).