(5 minutes read time)
Abuse is often hidden, not just by the abuser, but by the very people who should protect and support the victim. One of the most insidious ways this happens is through the power of family shame—a silent force that silences victims and protects perpetrators. In many families, the weight of shame can be so overwhelming that it becomes easier to ignore the truth than to face it. This article explores the role of family shame in concealing abuse, particularly focusing on the mother’s position in this dynamic.
What Is Family Shame?
Family shame is the collective emotional weight carried by the family system when something “shameful” occurs within it. It’s not just individual shame—it’s the pressure for everyone in the family to act as though nothing is wrong, to uphold a façade of normalcy, and to protect the family’s public image at all costs. In this environment, the truth becomes something dangerous, something that might shatter the family’s reputation or unity.
How Family Shame Enables Abuse
In families where abuse occurs, it’s often the case that the victim is left to suffer in silence. Here’s how family shame plays a critical role in this:
- Silencing the Victim:
Children, or even adults who have suffered abuse, often face overwhelming pressure to remain silent. The victim may be told things like, “Don’t tell anyone what happened,” or “We don’t talk about this outside the family.” The shame isn’t on the abuser, but on the victim for speaking out. When the family prioritises image over truth, the child or survivor is often forced into silence. - Protecting the Perpetrator:
In some families, the abuser is protected because confronting the truth would expose the entire family to scrutiny. The abuser may be a father, stepfather, or family member whose position in the family gives them power. If the abuser holds authority, their actions may be excused or downplayed in the name of family unity. The mother, or other caregivers, may turn a blind eye because confronting the abuser means confronting their own failure as a protector. - The Role of the Mother in Family Shame:
The mother, in many cases, plays a central role in either perpetuating or breaking the cycle of abuse. While some mothers may be unaware of the abuse happening behind closed doors, many choose to stay with an abuser, either because they are complicit, scared, or trapped in their own cycle of denial. When a mother remains with the abuser, it sends a clear message to the victim: the abuser is more important than their safety.
In these situations, the mother may be either actively or passively involved in silencing the child or survivor. She may gaslight the victim, saying things like, “You’re imagining things,” or “This is normal,” further isolating the survivor and making them feel like they’re the problem. This may be done to maintain the status quo of the family, but it also contributes to the victim’s trauma.
Enabling abuse through inaction
A mother who stays in an abusive relationship sends a message that the family’s reputation or cohesion is more important than the safety of the child. Silence is not just about ignoring the problem—it’s about choosing not to confront it, often out of fear, shame, or an overwhelming sense of powerlessness. This silence creates an environment where the abuser is allowed to continue their harmful behaviour without consequence.
The Impact of Family Shame on the Survivor
Living in an environment where silence is enforced, and shame is internalised, has long-lasting effects on the survivor. Here are a few of the consequences of growing up in such an environment:
- Internalised Shame: The victim often begins to feel that the abuse is their fault. They may carry the family’s shame with them throughout their lives, believing that something is wrong with them for having experienced the abuse or for wanting to speak out about it.
- Lack of Trust: Survivors of abuse in these settings often struggle with trust. They have been taught that speaking the truth will only lead to rejection, isolation, or more abuse. The deep fear of not being believed can make it incredibly difficult for survivors to reach out for help.
Difficulty in Relationships: The experience of growing up in a family where silence and shame were paramount can affect how a survivor interacts in future relationships. They may have a hard time trusting others, and some may struggle with setting boundaries. The sense that love means tolerance of abuse can become deeply ingrained.
How counselling can help
Together we form a therapeutic relationship. It is therapeutic because we are both coming together with a goal in mind, to validate you, that what happened was abuse and that it should not have happened. For once in your life you are not alone with it any more. For once in your life you are believed. You can reduce or eliminate addictions, have healthy relationships with yourself, your body, food, with others and the world. You can finally have a life you want, make choices, make hard decisions about your parents, your family, the people who made mistakes and were not there for you when you needed them most.
Are you ready to talk?
I offer a low-cost confidential service. I offer space to speak, find your voice, be really heard and validated. I am a trained professional counsellor who specialises in anxiety and trauma. Make an appointment to meet me and tell me what you want from counselling. See if you feel comfortable. The first session is over Zoom for both of our safety and then you can do sessions over Zoom from your own home or in person in mine, in my safe, comfortable therapy room.
Book your appointment today
Click here and book a free initial consultation with me today. Read what people are saying about working with me in counselling here. I hold a private, confidential space for you. I’m looking forward to meeting you and hearing you very soon. Best wishes, Karen.
Disclaimer: I am a UK qualified person centred counsellor specialising in anxiety and trauma within the context of counselling. I write from my experiences and from my client work in counselling. My work is dependent on the therapeutic relationship and the meeting of two minds. It is a humbling experience and that is all part of the healing process that I witness every day. It is the best job in the world. This is not an emergency service. If you need to speak to someone urgently outside of my sessions, please call the Samaritans on 116 123 (24/7 confidential helpline in the UK).