Shame often feels like the enemy, but for many of us — especially those who grew up needing to stay small, safe, or pleasing — shame was actually a kind of protection. It helped you survive situations where being fully yourself might have led to rejection, punishment, or abandonment.
Shame is often spoken about as something toxic or negative — something to be eradicated. But in truth, shame is a deeply intelligent, protective response, especially when you were a child or young person trying to survive a world that didn’t fully see or support who you really were.
In my own healing journey — through childhood trauma, difficult relationships, and the long road back to my authentic self — I’ve come to see shame not as the enemy, but as a protector. It helped me survive. It helped me stay connected. And it gave me a structure when the world felt unsafe and chaotic.
Let me walk you through how.
1. Shame Kept You “In Line” With What Was Expected
As a young woman who didn’t fit the mould — who longed for solitude, safety, and didn’t want what was traditionally expected — your truth may not have fit into the world around you.
That’s when shame stepped in and whispered:
“Hide that. Tuck it away. Be who they expect you to be — it’s safer.”
In a world where being “different” felt dangerous, shame helped you blend in. It kept you in alignment with expectations, even if they weren’t truly yours. It wasn’t a flaw — it was survival.
2. Shame Created Emotional Armour
When you felt pain, confusion, or rejection, shame gave you a way to manage it:
“I’m wrong, I’m bad for feeling this.”
This might sound harsh now, but back then it gave you a sense of control. It was easier to feel ashamed than to confront the terrifying truth:
“I’m powerless in a world that doesn’t see the real me.”
Shame made it your fault — because that felt less overwhelming than acknowledging how unsupported or misunderstood you truly were.
3. Shame Helped You Preserve Attachment
Especially with your mother, or in your marriage, shame may have taught you:
“If I reveal who I really am, I might lose love altogether.”
So you stayed quiet. You made yourself small. Not because you were being inauthentic — but because staying connected (even superficially) felt safer than being rejected or abandoned.
Shame became the silence that protected fragile bonds.
4. Shame Gave You Structure in the Absence of Safety
When the outside world was unpredictable, shame offered rules:
“Don’t feel this. Don’t want that. Don’t show too much.”
It created a rigid, internal code — a form of emotional scaffolding — in place of the safety and stability you didn’t have externally. It made life manageable, even if it also made you feel confined.
So What Now?
Now, you’re more conscious. Safer. More connected to your truth. Shame’s job is done.
You can thank it and release it. You might say:
Dear Shame,
You came when I needed protection — when I didn’t feel free to want what I wanted or be who I really was.
You taught me how to hide, how to conform, how to stay connected when honesty felt too risky.
You helped me survive.
But I’m not that girl anymore. I no longer need to hide to be loved. I’m choosing truth now — even if it’s messy, even if it’s slow.
You can rest now. I’m safe enough to be seen.
How Shame Connects to Trauma and the Body
Shame isn’t just psychological — it’s stored in the body. And in my work with clients (and myself), I’ve seen how it interweaves with experiences of trauma, especially child sexual abuse (CSA) and domestic abuse (DA)-related PTSD.
1. Shame and CSA
CSA injects shame directly into the body and identity. Children blame themselves not because it’s true — but because it’s safer than facing the terrifying reality:
“The adults who are supposed to protect me are hurting me.”
Shame becomes the container for that betrayal. It buries the pain, locks away the desire — not just sexual, but also the desire to be seen, loved, and held — so the child can survive.
Many survivors become perfectionists or people-pleasers — not to deceive, but to protect the parts that felt too vulnerable to show.
2. Shame and PTSD from Domestic Abuse
In emotionally or psychologically abusive relationships, shame is often used against you:
- You’re too much.
- You’re the problem.
- This is your fault.
That shame doesn’t disappear when you leave. It lingers — disguised as guilt over how long you stayed, who you became, or what your children witnessed.
You may have thought:
“I should’ve seen it sooner.”
“My children saw things they shouldn’t have — that’s my fault.”
But again, shame was protecting you. It kept you surviving — even when survival meant self-silencing.
3. Shame in the Body
This trauma lives in your body as much as your mind.
- Gut issues (like bloating) often come from suppressed emotion — grief, fear, disgust.
- Liver tension or issues can connect with repressed anger and shame (especially if not related to alcohol/drug use).
- Belly discomfort is common in survivors of CSA and DA — the belly is where vulnerability, betrayal, and self-denial settle.
As shame lifts, your body may start to release what it’s held for years. This can be deeply physical — and also profoundly healing.
You’re Not Just Starting to Heal — You’ve Been Healing All Along
You’ve already survived the hardest parts. You’ve already protected your inner truth through years of hardship.
Now, your body and psyche are catching up — aligning. Integrating.
The lifting of shame is not just emotional. It’s somatic.
It’s your nervous system rewiring.
It’s your soul reclaiming.
It’s you, living more fully and visibly.
You’re not broken — you’re brilliant.
You didn’t fail.
You adapted.
Now you’re healing — not by going back, but by moving forward with all of yourself: body, voice, truth, and self-compassion.
And that’s a journey worth honouring.
How counselling can help
We can decide how shame helped you in the earlier version of you. How you made decisions based on survival then. Understanding yourself helps you be your authentic self and not hide any more. You deserve to get a balanced view of your truth. I am fully with you on that. You are not on your own. You are not a bad person. We can face it together.
Are you ready to talk?
I offer a low-cost confidential service. I offer space to speak, find your voice, be really heard and validated. I am a trained professional counsellor who specialises in anxiety and trauma. Make an appointment to meet me and tell me what you want from counselling. See if you feel comfortable. The first session is over Zoom for both of our safety and then you can do sessions over Zoom from your own home or in person in mine, in my safe, comfortable therapy room.
Book your appointment today
Click here and book a free initial consultation with me today. Read what people are saying about working with me in counselling here. I hold a private, confidential space for you. I’m looking forward to meeting you and hearing you very soon. Best wishes, Karen.
Disclaimer: I am a UK qualified person centred counsellor specialising in anxiety and trauma within the context of counselling. I write from my experiences and from my client work in counselling. My work is dependent on the therapeutic relationship and the meeting of two minds. It is a humbling experience and that is all part of the healing process that I witness every day. It is the best job in the world. This is not an emergency service. If you need to speak to someone urgently outside of my sessions, please call the Samaritans on 116 123 (24/7 confidential helpline in the UK).