(5 minutes reading time)
When Letting Go Feels Like a Loss: The Hidden Self-Sabotage of Staying Connected
Many of us stay loyal to people or systems that once offered us a lifeline — even when those connections now cost us our peace, our truth, and our wellbeing. If you’ve ever felt torn between speaking your truth and keeping the peace, you’re not alone. I’ve been there too.
For years, I maintained contact with family who had welcomed me at a critical moment — but only under unspoken conditions. I was never allowed to speak openly about the childhood sexual abuse I experienced. Though they offered refuge, they took no action. They stayed silent. The man who harmed me remains in their lives, attending weddings and family events as if nothing ever happened.
Every time I reached out or spent time with them, a part of me felt connected — perhaps to a version of belonging I still longed for. But underneath that surface connection, something darker brewed: betrayal, anger, grief, and the gnawing feeling that I was betraying myself to stay “part of the family”.
And still, I kept going back.
The Sabotage We Don’t See
It took me time to see that the real sabotage wasn’t just in being silenced — it was in choosing to keep showing up, even when it harmed my mental health.
Every act of staying connected came at a cost:
- I had to silence my truth for their comfort.
- I internalised their disapproval and rejection.
- I felt ashamed for even bringing it up.
- I kept one foot in a past that wanted me to forget or pretend.
That’s when I realised: self-sabotage often wears the mask of loyalty, hope, or duty. But really, it’s the fear of what we’ll lose if we walk away.
Why We Keep Going Back
You may recognise this pattern in yourself or your clients — maintaining connections that no longer align with your values or truth. So why do we stay?
Often it’s because:
- We fear being alone or unloved.
- We hold onto hope that one day they’ll change.
- We’ve been taught to equate silence with strength.
- We don’t want to face the deeper grief: that they may never choose us in the way we needed.
Letting go of these connections can feel unfair. It is unfair. But so is asking yourself to keep swallowing your truth just to stay “included”.
What We’re Really Sabotaging
When we stay in places that silence us, we’re not preserving peace — we’re postponing our healing.
We end up sabotaging:
- Our emotional and mental health.
- Our growth, authenticity and direction.
- Our boundaries and self-respect.
- The possibility of building something new, safe, and aligned.
The Way Forward
The healing begins when we stop pretending that silence is love, or that loyalty means self-abandonment.
If this story resonates with you, maybe it’s time to ask:
- What am I hoping to gain by staying connected?
- What do I lose each time I go back?
- What would it look like to move forward without needing their approval?
Letting go is not about bitterness — it’s about choosing truth, clarity, and peace over the illusion of belonging.
You Don’t Have to Do It Alone
If you’re noticing that staying connected to people, systems or habits is keeping you stuck, I see you. The fear, the grief, the longing — it’s all valid. And there’s a way through.
In my practice, I help clients explore the roots of their self-sabotage, gently untangle the emotional bonds that no longer serve them, and step into a life that feels aligned, free, and fully theirs.
You don’t have to betray yourself to belong. You’re allowed to grow, to speak, and to move on.
If you’re ready to begin that journey, I’d love to walk alongside.
How counselling can help
We will work together, forming a therapeutic relationship, the scaffolding that holds you while you allow yourself to be vulnerable for a short time; to realise your truth, see your process; and to decide what outcome you want for yourself.
Are you ready to talk?
I offer a low-cost confidential service. I offer space to speak, find your voice, be really heard and validated. I am a trained professional counsellor who specialises in anxiety and trauma. Make an appointment to meet me and tell me what you want from counselling. See if you feel comfortable. The first session is over Zoom for both of our safety and then you can do sessions over Zoom from your own home or in person in mine, in my safe, comfortable therapy room.
Book your appointment today
Click here and book a free initial consultation with me today. Read what people are saying about working with me in counselling here. I hold a private, confidential space for you. I’m looking forward to meeting you and hearing you very soon. Best wishes, Karen.
Disclaimer: I am a UK qualified person centred counsellor specialising in anxiety and trauma within the context of counselling. I write from my experiences and from my client work in counselling. My work is dependent on the therapeutic relationship and the meeting of two minds. It is a humbling experience and that is all part of the healing process that I witness every day. It is the best job in the world. This is not an emergency service. If you need to speak to someone urgently outside of my sessions, please call the Samaritans on 116 123 (24/7 confidential helpline in the UK).