Why do some women stay in controlling or emotionally unhealthy relationships?
Not because they’re weak. Not because they don’t see what’s happening.
But often because they’ve been taught — directly or subtly — that leaving would make them bad, selfish, broken, or unsafe.
For many women, shame is the chain that binds them.
Shame shaped by cultural messages, old-fashioned values, and inherited beliefs that say:
You’re not enough on your own. You need a man to be safe, to be worthy, to be good.
The Shame of Not Being “A Good Woman”
From childhood, many women are taught that their role is to be chosen.
A good girl grows into a good wife.
She keeps quiet, keeps sweet, and keeps the peace.
Religious and cultural beliefs often reinforce this:
- Divorce is a sin
- Marriage is forever
- Women should submit
- Your happiness doesn’t matter if your children are provided for
And if you question any of this, the message is clear: You’re being difficult. You’re not grateful. You’ll be alone.
So instead of listening to themselves, women listen to shame.
They stay small, even when they’re screaming inside to grow.
Safety in the System — Even When It Hurts
Historically, marriage was a woman’s safest option — financially, socially, and physically.
That survival instinct doesn’t vanish with time.
Even now, many women carry a nervous system belief that says: Stay with him — you’ll be safer.
They might be independent on the outside, but inside, there’s a little girl who believes:
- I’ll be in danger if I’m alone
- No one else will want me
- I can’t do this by myself
And shame reinforces that: You made your bed, now lie in it.
Even if that bed has grown cold, cruel, or suffocating.
The Fear of Being Seen
When a woman starts to believe in herself — when she dares to want more, speak louder, or shine brighter — shame often kicks in.
Because somewhere deep down, she may believe:
- If I outgrow him, I’ll be punished
- If I speak out, I’ll be labelled
- If I choose myself, I’ll be left
We carry a history in our bones. A history where visible women were mocked, rejected, discredited, or hurt.
So sometimes it feels easier to stay in an unhealthy dynamic than to risk stepping into the unknown.
The Pressure to Keep Others Comfortable
Many women stay because:
- Their parents wouldn’t approve
- Their church would gossip
- Their children might be confused
- Their community might turn its back
They don’t want to disrupt the image. They don’t want to hurt anyone. So they keep hurting themselves instead.
And shame whispers, That’s what a good woman does.
When You’ve Never Seen Healthy Love
For women who grew up around emotional neglect, addiction, abuse, or inconsistency, unhealthy love often feels familiar.
They don’t just settle — they bond with dysfunction because it’s what they know.
They learned:
- To avoid conflict
- To silence their needs
- To stay loyal, even when it hurts
And when they try to break free, shame says: Who do you think you are to want more than this?
Reclaiming Truth, Power, and Permission
None of this is about blame. It’s about clarity.
So many women stay not because they don’t want to leave — but because shame makes leaving feel like failure.
But it’s not failure. It’s freedom.
You don’t owe anyone a quiet life lived in survival mode.
You don’t have to carry outdated beliefs that say you’re not whole without a man.
You don’t have to stay in a role you’ve outgrown just to make other people comfortable.
You can choose differently.
You can begin again.
And you can do it without shame.
This is part of a growing body of work I’m creating to explore shame, trauma, relationships, and self-worth. If this speaks to you, I invite you to stay connected — through my articles, my upcoming book, or simply by being present with your own truth.
Because the moment we name the shame, it begins to lose its grip.
Are you ready to talk?
I offer a low-cost confidential service. I offer space to speak, find your voice, be really heard and validated. I am a trained professional counsellor who specialises in anxiety and trauma. Make an appointment to meet me and tell me what you want from counselling. See if you feel comfortable. The first session is over Zoom for both of our safety and then you can do sessions over Zoom from your own home or in person in mine, in my safe, comfortable therapy room.
Book your appointment today
Click here and book a free initial consultation with me today. Read what people are saying about working with me in counselling here. I hold a private, confidential space for you. I’m looking forward to meeting you and hearing you very soon. Best wishes, Karen.
Disclaimer: I am a UK qualified person centred counsellor specialising in anxiety and trauma within the context of counselling. I write from my experiences and from my client work in counselling. My work is dependent on the therapeutic relationship and the meeting of two minds. It is a humbling experience and that is all part of the healing process that I witness every day. It is the best job in the world. This is not an emergency service. If you need to speak to someone urgently outside of my sessions, please call the Samaritans on 116 123 (24/7 confidential helpline in the UK).
