You may notice, as an adult, that your relationships feel one-sided. You don’t ask for much—if anything at all—for yourself. Instead, you give, please, accommodate, and stretch yourself until you reach breaking point. Only when you burn out do you notice how little space your own needs have had. This isn’t weakness, nor is it a flaw in who you are. It’s often the hidden training of childhood, where love felt conditional and meeting someone else’s needs was the only way to feel safe or valued.

When a Mother’s Needs Come First: Understanding the Spectrum of Narcissism

Not every mother who shames her child realises the harm she is causing. Narcissism, like every human condition, exists on a spectrum. At one end, it may look like survival patterns—an adult who grew up neglected or abused, who never had their needs met, who is still desperately seeking validation, attention, and love. When that person becomes a parent, their deep unmet needs can wrap them so tightly in their own struggles that they fail to notice their child’s.

At the far end of the spectrum, narcissistic traits can harden into full narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Further still, we may see psychopathic or sociopathic traits, where intent can lean towards the malicious. But most often, the harm to the child is not about deliberate cruelty—it is about training the child, often unconsciously, to put the mother’s needs before their own.

If you grew up in this environment, you may now find yourself an adult who instinctively prioritises your mother’s feelings above your own. You may even love her more than you love yourself. And the thought of seeking counselling may feel like betrayal—like turning your back on her.

But please know this: coming to counselling does not mean you are betraying your mother. It means you are finally giving yourself a voice. In therapy, we will validate your experience. You will learn that your needs matter, too. From there, you can choose how you wish to shape your relationship—whether that means adapting it to be more balanced and healthy, or choosing distance to protect your own wellbeing.

Your healing is not a rejection of her. It is a reclaiming of you.

If this resonates with you, you might also like to read my article on Shame’s silent message: Abandonment, the gift and the cost, which explores how over-giving can become a way of proving your value.

How counselling can help

Counselling gives you a safe space to explore your feelings and unmet needs. We may look at patterns in your relationships—why you feel unseen, or why you’re drawn to partners who hurt you. You might not want to question your childhood, or you may remember it as perfect. Both can be true. What matters is learning to validate yourself and allowing your feelings, often for the first time.

We can acknowledge that your mother did her best, while also recognising your own needs. From here, you begin moving forward as the version of yourself you always sensed was there but didn’t believe you deserved. Many people find they wish they had started sooner—and sometimes even notice their relationship with their mother improves, once they begin to make themselves a priority. If distance from her is needed, then you may find that that is the most and often the only way forward.

Are you ready to talk?

I offer a low-cost confidential service. I offer space to speak, find your voice, be really heard and validated. I am a trained professional counsellor who specialises in anxiety and trauma. Make an appointment to meet me and tell me what you want from counselling. See if you feel comfortable. The first session is over Zoom for both of our safety and then you can do sessions over Zoom from your own home or in person in mine, in my safe, comfortable therapy room.

Book your appointment today

Click here and book a free initial consultation with me today. Read what people are saying about working with me in counselling here. I hold a private, confidential space for you. I’m looking forward to meeting you and hearing you very soon. Best wishes, Karen.

Disclaimer: I am a UK qualified person centred counsellor specialising in anxiety and trauma within the context of counselling.  I write from my experiences and from my client work in counselling. My work is dependent on the therapeutic relationship and the meeting of two minds. It is a humbling experience and that is all part of the healing process that I witness every day. It is the best job in the world. This is not an emergency service. If you need to speak to someone urgently outside of my sessions, please call the Samaritans on 116 123 (24/7 confidential helpline in the UK).