“Everybody lived that way.” ” What makes me so special?”
40s, 50s, 60s, 70s 80s, 90s child?
This article explores how those days were accepting of what we now know to be unacceptable behaviour and how family members still use inappropriate language which prevents victims of abuse getting the support and help they need to heal and overcome their trauma.
The language used by professionals and society reinforces the shame and guilt felt by victim or survivor. This can embolden abusers and isolate victims, reaffirming ‘us vs them’. This can create a barrier between the victim and safeguarding professionals and reinforce:
“No one believes me.”
Victims and survivors hear from professionals …
“They’re being uncooperative”
“They’re in a relationship”
“It was their choice”
“They took the money”
Victims and survivors hear from society …
“They’re a troublemaker”
“They were asking for it”
“Why didn’t they fight back?”
“Why didn’t they leave?”
The victim or survivor is made to feel …
“They’re pretending to care”
“They think it’s my fault”
“It’ll get worse if I try to get out”
“Nobody will believe me”
“I can’t trust anyone”
“They (the abuser) were right”
“Nothing will change“
Today, we are aware of exploitation, grooming, emotional manipulation and abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse and more.
Do you know what is exploitation and abuse?
Grooming: This link helps you to understand grooming and how a perpetrator targets a vulnerable child or adult, and grooms them for their plan to abuse them. You may not see yourself as vulnerable. Grooming confuses until you become easy to target. Grooming reprogrammes your mind to confuse so that you do not know who to trust or what to believe.
Anyone can be a victim of grooming. It is very subtle. Especially if you are desperately seeking love, validation and hope of a better life.
You do not have to tolerate abuse at any time in your life and you can have a better life. No matter what you have been through to make you believe you are not worthy of a safe, peaceful life, it is not true.
Everyone deserves to live in a peaceful, safe environment and help is out there, even if you have tried in the past and believe no one cares or that no one can help you.
Anyone can become a victim of exploitation and abuse. I’m sure you will be able to relate if you have a child in your family who has been abused or you are a victim of abuse, either past or are currently in an abusive situation.
Do your own family members use inappropriate language?
“Victim blaming language exacerbates the trauma experienced by survivors of abuse and hinders their access to justice and support. Serious case reviews highlight the profound negative effect of victim blaming language on victims themselves and on professional and public perceptions of victims, often leaving them in unsafe and abusive circumstances. This article underscores the critical importance of avoiding victim blaming language in all forms of communication as it ensures that the language used supports, rather than harms, victims.”
“It is imperative that appropriate terminology is used when discussing children and people who have been exploited or abused or who are at risk of exploitation and abuse. Language implying that the child or person is responsible in any way for abuse and crime that they are subjected to must be avoided to make sure that we safeguard them appropriately. It is also important to recognise that a child cannot consent to their own harm.” – The Children Society
“It feels like no one cares.”
“When this happens I feel worthless.”
“My abuser is right.”
I work with victims of child abuse, for example, whose mother is still with the perpetrator and she talks to her grown up child as though she took her man. Children can never be responsible for their abuse.
How language can hold the victim in a state of trauma.
Some family members invite the perpetrator to family events as though they can’t take sides. Family members can unwittingly isolate the victim of abuse by their language, their outdated beliefs and actions.
They say, “forgive.” If the victim of child abuse asks family members “why is she like that?” They reply, “because she wants to be with him” as though it is a love story and she can make that choice.
This is when a mother puts her own survival needs before her child and the family do not step in. Safeguarding children is EVERYONE’S RESPONSIBILITY!
These approaches to child abuse exacerbate feelings that the abuser was right, no one cares, no one will listen and they all think you are bad and it must be your fault. This approach from people responsible for the victims care is confirming that the abuser is right, they do not deserve to be believed and the abuse was their fault (for taking the money, the dress, drinking the alcohol, going to the place they were asked to go).
It is NEVER the child’s fault. They were a child. They did as they were told as they are taught to do. They were being a good kid. Your role as an adult is to offer a safe space and show that you believe them and will have their back no matter what they believe they did.
I specialise in anxiety and trauma, working for a charity which offers free counselling to anyone who has suffered from:
Child sexual abuse
Domestic abuse
Sexual violence
I also work in private practice which you can book online here https://calendly.com/karenbellcounselling and have a free consultation to meet me and tell me what you want to work on. You can tell me anything and not be judged. We will create a safe space to talk together.
If we put it down to those times or the past is long gone, please be aware that the past is very much part of life for an abuse victim that is alone with their trauma. They need your support and to know you believe them fully and understand a child is never responsible for the abuse an adult did to them. NEVER EVER!
Online resources:
Someone Cares face to face counselling in the North East online at: https://someonecares.org.uk/
Victim Support online at:
https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/
The Children Society online at:
https://childrenssociety.notion.site/LookCloser-resources-6cba9a52eb1b4d8abb1d62738783631