(5 minutes read time)
Understanding Anger: The Hidden Emotion Beneath the Fawn Response
In my work with hundreds of people across the world, one thing has become incredibly clear: many people are angry—and they don’t even know it.
This is often because their anger was disowned early in life. Whether due to trauma, emotional neglect, or growing up in an environment where expressing anger wasn’t allowed or safe, many learn to disconnect from this powerful emotion. Some people were never encouraged to feel their own feelings at all. Others felt too overwhelmed by the intensity of their emotions and dissociated as a result.
Sometimes, the people I work with are quietly raging. Sometimes they’re deeply depressed. Others are so disconnected from themselves that they can’t bear to be alone, even for a moment. So, why does this happen?
Why We Avoid Anger
This article was written to help explore why we so often go to great lengths to avoid feeling anger.
From a young age, many of us are taught that “negative” emotions are bad. Worse, we’re made to feel like we are bad for having them. Anger, in particular, gets labeled as dangerous, shameful, or unacceptable.
Psychotherapist and researcher Melanie Klein studied infants and found that emotions, including anger, are essential signals—ways our bodies and minds express need. Before we can speak, all we can do is cry and rage to signal hunger, discomfort, or fear. Anger, from the very beginning, is a means of survival.
Birth itself is a traumatic experience. One moment, you’re warm, cushioned, and floating in darkness. The next, you’re thrust into a bright, unfamiliar world—completely helpless and unable to communicate. In that moment, rage is your only tool to alert your caregiver that you’re hungry, scared, or in need of comfort. It’s primal, it’s loud, and it’s necessary.
(You can read more about how emotions begin in my short article [link].)
Anger Blocks Healing
The problem is, unacknowledged anger doesn’t go away. It festers. It becomes internalized, showing up in secretive, indirect ways—sometimes through anxiety, depression, self-hate, or a deep disconnection from joy and peace.
Buddhists describe this as “the angry mind”—a helpful perspective that separates anger from your identity. You are not your anger. It’s simply a mental state. Like clouds in the sky, it comes and goes. But unlike the Buddhist view, which sees anger as something to let pass, we also need to understand why it’s there. Why is the amygdala holding on to it?
To truly heal, we must listen to our anger. We need to understand its purpose. Only then can we release it.
As a counsellor, I encourage people to allow their feelings, rather than repress them. When you allow your anger, you begin to validate yourself—and that’s where healing begins.
Anger as a Trauma Response
Anger is often a direct result of feeling helpless—especially in situations of injustice, abandonment, or abuse where no one took responsibility and no one protected you. This kind of anger can feel overwhelming and confusing. It may appear disproportionate to the current situation, but that’s usually a sign that it’s tied to a much earlier experience—often one where you felt powerless and unsafe.
As a newborn, you were as vulnerable as you could possibly be. If your caregivers were unable to respond to your distress with calm and confidence, you may have internalised a deep sense of unsafety. That early mishandling of your rage plays a key role in shaping your attachment style.
Children who grow up feeling emotionally unsupported may later fear abandonment, seek excessive reassurance, and form unhealthy, dependent relationships. The original, unprocessed anger becomes a silent driver behind people-pleasing, codependency, and susceptibility to manipulation or abuse.
Left unaddressed, this internalised anger can also lead to anxiety disorders, PTSD, and unhealthy coping strategies like substance abuse, self-harm, or suicidal thoughts.
The Many Faces of Anger
Anger doesn’t always look like rage. It can be subtle. It can look like depression, anxiety, or even self-loathing. I’ve worked with clients who insist, “I’m not angry—I just hate myself.” But this is often a sign of repressed anger turned inward.
It’s as if the person is saying, “I shouldn’t be angry. Anger is bad. So, I must be bad for feeling it.” That kind of internal conflict—born from early trauma—can erode self-worth and deepen feelings of helplessness.
Recognizing anger as a trauma response, rather than a personal flaw, is the first step toward freedom. When you begin to acknowledge and understand your anger, you open the door to healing. You start to reclaim your voice, your boundaries, and ultimately, your life.
How counselling can help
We will form a therapeutic relationship together, where we find out what that anger is, rather than fearing it, we will be there for it, acknowledge it and allow it so that it can do its job, what nature intended for it to do, to help you. I know it’s confusing but you don’t have to decide you are bad and an angry person. It is a feeling and you are not bad. If you hurt yourself or others then that is acting on an angry feeling in an unhealthy way and no good will come of that. This is like unlearning what you think you know and living a freer life and liking who you are so you have a better relationship with yourself and others.
Are you ready to talk?
I offer a low-cost confidential service. I offer space to speak, find your voice, be really heard and validated. I am a trained professional counsellor who specialises in anxiety and trauma. Make an appointment to meet me and tell me what you want from counselling. See if you feel comfortable. The first session is over Zoom for both of our safety and then you can do sessions over Zoom from your own home or in person in mine, in my safe, comfortable therapy room.
Book your appointment today
Click here and book a free initial consultation with me today. Read what people are saying about working with me in counselling here. I hold a private, confidential space for you. I’m looking forward to meeting you and hearing you very soon. Best wishes, Karen.
Disclaimer: I am a UK qualified person centred counsellor specialising in anxiety and trauma within the context of counselling. I write from my experiences and from my client work in counselling. My work is dependent on the therapeutic relationship and the meeting of two minds. It is a humbling experience and that is all part of the healing process that I witness every day. It is the best job in the world. This is not an emergency service. If you need to speak to someone urgently outside of my sessions, please call the Samaritans on 116 123 (24/7 confidential helpline in the UK).