I was inspired to write this article after reading a high-rising post from an influencer which said,
“I’m raising my girl to never be jealous of other girls.”
This could be a great concern for that child.
She has to create an ego with Superpowers to deal with that order. That is a demand from a mother. She has to obey it for survival. She has to ignore and repress her true feeling.
She learns my feelings don’t matter, I don’t matter.
You’re raising your girl to be a “not good enough” person who gets taken advantage of in society, who burns out never able to give or be enough.
She’s going to be a champion people-pleaser, who gets to her mid-life crisis not knowing who the hell she is.
She’s going to be an empath that takes in like a sponge all the fake BS of a player.
She’s going to be a narcissist’s dream girl, believing she has to be polite and pleasant and only seeing good in someone, ignoring red flags.
I work with the adults who could never be jealous, who believe they are bad deep down, feel like imposters in their own lives, believe jealousy is bad and refuse to take accountability for feeling any negative emotion, especially jealousy.
“Never be jealous” creates repression of normal emotion. We call this our dark side. Let her feel and help her through and she will accept all of her emotions. Emotions are needed for validation. To tell us what we need. They’re part of our nervous system for survival. What is she needing and not getting that the other person is getting, creating the feeling (a need) which we call jealousy. It’s normal until you tell a child it’s bad and they internalise “I am bad.”
This is how the Shadow Side is created. (Carl Jung).
Now the good news.
All emotions are needed for survival because they tell you what you need.
All emotions are necessary and valid. Not accepting emotions invalidates you and makes you feel unsafe.
All humans are born with an original fear and an original desire.
The fear we will die and the desire to survive.
The feeling from original fear and original desire is what we humans call
I specialise in Anxiety, Stress and Trauma. They have different names, but are born of the same feeling. We feel unsafe. This feeling is programmed into us for survival. The amount of time that has passed is not relevant as the sub-conscious mind does not register time.
The amygdala’s job is crucial for survival.
Do not underestimate the lengths your nervous system will go to so that you survive.
The feeling is triggered to make us realise we are unsafe and we might die.
If another sibling is getting more attention than us, since love and attention is required for survival, we believe we might die –
Hierarchy of Needs (Abraham Maslow).
We try to get attention and it is a real need and a fear that we might die if we don’t get that attention.
We can work with this easily in counselling.
It’s a good idea to face your truth and move forward a more authentic you, who is loveable, likeable and even satisfied with who you are.
You will be more in your body, feeling your feelings and authentic in your relationships.
Your whole life will change for the better. You’ll feel lighter. You’ll wish you’d done it sooner.
I’m looking forward to meeting you and working with you. Book an initial consultation with me today.
Encourage your child to have their true feelings. Help them see that they are normal feelings.
Reassure your child they are loved, that they matter and even with a new baby, a stressed parent, parents having to leave them and go to work, that you do come back and that they are safe. We can work with this easily in counselling.
Improve your life by doing a little bit of work in counselling and be a more understanding, knowledgeable parent so that you feel better and are a responsible role model to your child.
Previously, society has taught us that emotions are not necessary and they just get in the way, make us less resilient, but if you understand what feelings are, you will learn about your own needs and then be more resilient not less and your children will have less reactive, calmer parents. Emotions will no longer be avoided or feared.
There will be less anxiety in the world.
It’s a great investment into your quality of life and the best thing you can do for the next generation.
You can listen to me reading this article on my YouTube channel here.
Best wishes to all my subscribers.
Karen
Disclaimer: I write from my experiences and from my client work in counselling and have no scientific training whatsoever. I am a person centred counsellor specialising in anxiety and trauma within the context of counselling. My work is dependent on the therapeutic relationship and the meeting of two minds. It is a humbling experience and that is all part of the healing process that I witness every day. It is the best job in the world.