The Unseen Power of Grooming: How Victims of Abuse Often Choose the Only Path They Know
When someone is hurt by abuse, they sometimes feel like they have only two choices: keep quiet or live with the pain. Both kids and grown-ups can feel this way because an abuser might trick them into thinking that staying quiet is the only safe option.
It might look like they chose to stay, but really, they feel confused and scared. The abuser changes how they see love, trust, and safety, so staying feels like the only way to survive when everything seems very dangerous.
How Grooming Works
Grooming is when someone who wants to hurt you starts by acting very nice so you will trust them. They might give you extra attention, small gifts, or kind words to make you feel special. But slowly, they begin to cross lines and control you. For children and others who feel unsafe, it can seem impossible to leave because the groomer makes them feel like they don’t deserve better or that no one else would care for them. This trick makes a hurtful relationship feel like the only kind of love you know.
The Cycle of Abuse and Neglect
Abuse and neglect often happen together, making it hard for someone to realize they are being hurt. Sometimes, a person may not get enough care, love, or attention. When the person who hurts them gives even a little bit of care, it can feel like a lifeline—even if it isn’t real love. Over time, this lack of proper care makes them feel very weak and dependent on the one who is hurting them. They might start to believe that any attention, even if it’s hurtful, means they are important. This mix-up can make it very confusing to understand what true care and love really are.
This neglect might not be obvious to you. Society used to be less interested in how children feel so you might not want to think you were neglected and that is very common for people coming forward for counselling. In fact, it is one of the main reasons why people don’t come to be heard and validated for what they experienced. All the same, you might have felt very sad and lonely with your own feelings and that lays the groundwork for the abuser’s control. Over time, the victim becomes dependent on the abuser for validation and the closest to love they will get. They may even develop an attachment known as Stockholm Syndrome.
Stockholm Syndrome is when someone who is being hurt starts to feel like they care about or even love the person hurting them. This happens because the hurt person gets confused by small acts of kindness mixed with the harm, making it hard to see the danger.
The “Choice” of Abuse
People who are hurt by someone they trust don’t choose to be treated badly. Instead, they might believe staying is their only option. The person hurting them often makes them feel scared, weak, or dependent. And still it feels like the only love you are going to get. Even though it doesn’t make sense, staying or leaving both feel scary or uncaring so you choose to stay. That is your survival instinct making a choice. Your nervous system that keeps you alive decides, it feels safer to stay. You can be forgiven for going back for more, for taking the abuse when it seemed like your choice. When the abuser said, “You wanted it to happen.” You didn’t want to be abused. You wanted the only attention available to you. You can not choose your own abuse.
For kids or adults in these situations, imagining a life without the person hurting them can feel impossible. The abuser might have made them believe that this kind of treatment is normal, leaving them feeling stuck, confused, and afraid.
Sometimes, the person being hurt starts to believe what the abuser says about them. They might think they don’t deserve love unless they stay. The abuser tells them no one else would care about them, so they start to feel like the only way to be “wanted” is to stay—even when they know deep down it’s hurting them.
Why you chose to stay
An abuser often uses manipulative words to keep a dependent victim trapped in the cycle of abuse. They may say things like, “No one else will ever love you like I do,” or “You’re nothing without me.” They might make the victim feel guilty by saying, “After everything I’ve done for you, you’re just going to leave?” or instill fear with threats like, “If you leave, you’ll regret it.” Some abusers pretend to be the victim, saying, “You’re the one hurting me by even thinking about leaving.” Others create doubt by insisting, “You’re too weak to make it on your own.” These cruel words chip away at the victim’s self-esteem, making them believe they have no choice but to stay, even when deep down, they know the situation is harmful.
When a parent chooses your abuser over you
Sometimes, a child might feel stuck when their parent stays with someone who hurts them. It can seem like the child has to keep being hurt because the person meant to protect them isn’t helping. Even though it might look like they are choosing to stay, they really feel scared and trapped, with no other safe option. Remember, you deserve to be safe and loved, and it’s not your fault if someone doesn’t take care of you the way you need.
It is definitely not your fault
I want you to know that it is not your fault that you were hurt, and you did not deserve to be treated that way. I understand how painful it is when the person who should protect you isn’t there to help, but please remember: you are strong, important, and worthy of kindness. You deserve a life filled with care, safety, and love, and I believe you can find a way to a brighter future.
Sometimes, even parents can be unkind or hurtful, but that is not your fault. You deserve love and care, and it’s not because of anything you did that they act that way. Remember, being hurt by someone who should protect you is never your fault, and you are always worthy of kindness and respect.
The Dangers of Silence
One of the most harmful things about abuse is how it stops the victim from speaking up. Abusers often trick or scare their victims into keeping secrets. They might say things like, “No one will believe you,” or “This is your fault.” This can make the victim feel too scared or confused to ask for help. Because of this, staying with the abuser isn’t really a choice—it’s something the victim might feel forced to do.
For kids and people who need extra help, leaving can be even harder. They might not have anyone to turn to, or they may be afraid the abuser will hurt them if they try to leave. Even when they do tell someone, they might not be believed, which can make them feel stuck and hopeless.
Breaking the Cycle
It’s important to understand how abusers use tricks and lies to control their victims. For many people who are hurt, escaping isn’t just about being brave—it’s about undoing years of being told what to think and believe. That’s why we need to make sure victims, especially kids and people who need extra help, have safe places to speak up and get the support they need to feel strong again.
It’s not enough to just say abuse is wrong—we also need to stop the ways abusers keep control. The more we learn about how abusers trick and trap their victims, the better we can help. When we listen, believe, and support victims, we give them the chance to escape a situation they never chose.
How counselling can help
Some people might say that someone who is hurt by another person chose to be hurt or deserved the hurt. But that’s not true. People who are hurt often feel scared and trapped, and they stay because they feel it’s the only way to survive. No one should ever feel like they must stay where they are hurt. Everyone deserves to feel safe and happy. If you or someone you know is feeling this way, I am here to help you heal and find a better path. You deserve to feel safe and loved, and counselling will support you every step of the way.
I specialise in anxiety, stress and trauma. By coming for counselling, you can learn how to be the person you want to be and create the life you dream of. My service is here to help you heal and guide you every step of the way toward a better, brighter future.Click here and book a free initial consultation with me today. Read what people are saying about working with me in counselling here. I hold a private, confidential space for you. I’m looking forward to meeting you and hearing you very soon. Best wishes, Karen.
Disclaimer: I am a UK qualified person centred counsellor specialising in anxiety and trauma within the context of counselling. I write from my experiences and from my client work in counselling. My work is dependent on the therapeutic relationship and the meeting of two minds. It is a humbling experience and that is all part of the healing process that I witness every day. It is the best job in the world. This is not an emergency service. If you need to speak to someone urgently outside of my sessions, please call the Samaritans on 116 123 (24/7 confidential helpline in the UK).