This article is a snippet from a case study. I don’t do couple’s counselling so this is to provide insight into common beliefs that often create unhealthy dynamics in relationship. I use the masculine and feminine theory and so you can apply it to same sex couples if you can identify who it applies to you in your relationship. For this example, it was a man and a woman so I was able to use pronouns she/her/hers and he/him/his.
The union
You come together to complement each other, to be yin to yang, to work in harmony.
A woman needs a man to step up so she feels safe. Then she can allow herself to be vulnerable in the relationship.
A man needs a woman to be a solid supporter so he can go and believe in himself and be proud he’s got her belief in him.
Safety is about security, home and finances, knowing he fights for the relationship, that she can rely on him and he can rely on her.
This is equality. It’s got a deeper level than who pays for what.
Beliefs
If a man is told he’s like his dad, make sure you believe his dad is a good, reliable, strong man or you’re telling your son he’s a let down, a disappointment and a failure. Sometimes women say this when they feel guilty that the man is not around for their son or because she put up with his poor behaviour for too long and it impacted him or moved him away from his family and friends and school where he felt unsafe. She says that to alleviate her guilt and it is to say, even though he is not around, you are not affected, you are part of him.
Your son goes into his relationship believing he is a let down, a disappointment, a failure.
And women, if you have a dad who let your mam down, you form a belief that I can’t rely on men and men let me down. I can’t rely on you for support. You decided before he was involved.
Your daughter is going into her relationship believing he will let her down and that she can not rely on him, actually on anyone if she is the oldest child quite often following divorce and additional responsibility of siblings.
The dynamic
And if you believe you are a disappointment to your wife as a man, you feel resentment towards her and she doesn’t even know why.
What it looks like
She’s stressed, feeling unsafe, snapping at him and he’s already angry because of what he believes about himself before she does or says anything and then he’s getting revenge by being passive aggressive.
Feeling unsafe
Unsafe can create behaviours like nail biting and anxiety related conditions like OCD.
Repairing the damage: talk about unwanted feelings
Have an honest conversation about your own feelings of anger, hurt and disappointment and listen one at a time about each other’s feelings.
They are triggers from what you already believe and you’ve created dynamics from those beliefs, beliefs up to now, you believed to be true, but they’re not true. It is not about the two of you.
Talking about your feelings brings you closer and more supportive of each other so you’re more of a team.
If you are both from divorced or single parents, you can make your relationship work with this insight and by being wiser.
Remember: You are both good enough. You love each other. Relationship is never done so you can just take your feet off the pedal and say we’re married now. It takes hard work, but it’s worth it if you fight for it. All you need is love and determination.
Call to action
I will work with you, helping you get to the root cause of your beliefs that you have gone into relationship with and you can work with changing those unhealthy beliefs that are causing you a problem in your dynamic. If needed, you can both go for couple’s counselling after that. I look forward to meeting you and working with you soon. You can access my contact form here.